Mental health and self employment

This is probably a typical story of burnout and midlife crisis. Burn-out definitely. However, I've already had my midlife crisis.

Twenty years ago, I turned my hobby into a career. Together with a designer and salesman, we went freelance in the media sector. I can talk to computers, so technology was exactly my thing. He is a born salesman. Hardly any idea about technology, but can sell anything. I hope he doesn't read this :)

I still love my job today and it's usually a lot of fun. It's just my hobby. But things have been changing for a few years now and it's getting harder and harder to survive.

It actually started back then when the web became responsive. Instead of a few static layouts, all possible end devices now had to be taken into account. One problem was that there was only ever a single budget and not five times the budget for five times the effort. Another problem, which has not really been solved to this day, is that designers usually come from a print background and only create a static layout. They often have no idea that the web is fluid and that everything depends on the user's device. As is usual in software development, the programmer ends up having to invent everything that others have not previously planned or considered. This in turn leads to unnecessary rounds of corrections. It's probably an old song I'm telling you here. It's gotten better over the years, but it's still not really good. Unfortunately, I don't work for clients who place a lot of emphasis on process management and project planning.

Perhaps that's also the problem in retrospect. Many, hundreds of small projects, from image sites to stores to a few larger things, that we have been involved in for years. Always individual solutions tailored to the customer.
These many small things are also a problem over the years. Every day, some old project comes up that, as always in our industry, should have been done yesterday. This leads to the third problem. There are dozens of designers and media people. But there are very few programmers. And even fewer who actually get it right in the end.  In the end, I'm more or less on my own.

Oh my God. This is turning into a lawsuit. But there's so much that's nice and good. Programming is very creative, there's always something new, it's great when something is created and works the way it's supposed to in the end. New worlds are created.

Well, that didn't lead to where I am now. So it became more and more stressful and time was really short. It's a bit like walking on a knife edge. You need time, a lot of time, to develop further. But that's usually time that you can't charge for. I'm not really clever, but I manage to teach myself a lot of things. On the one hand, things have to be done to satisfy customers and earn money. On the other hand, you have to keep learning in order to do things efficiently. There was less and less time to be really good. More and more time for projects and more and more ASAP. On top of that, everything that involves technology ends up with me. If anyone has a problem, it ends up with me because there's no one else who can solve it.

From creative work that creates new worlds, it became more and more a business of solving problems as quickly as possible. Always lagging behind with other stuff that also had to be done.

So now we come to the core. And the stupid thing is that I haven't found a solution yet. I had already hired one, but he left again because it was too much. For two years now, I've had another one who's really up for it and is very motivated, but is still young and needs to gain experience. So it's more like extra work than real help. Okay, that's a bit unfair. He can already do a lot now and I hope he sticks with it.
It's actually been too much for a few years now. No solutions have been forthcoming for a few years - not even from my business partners. It's only getting worse. As long as things are going well, there is no pressure to act for many people. I'm overwhelmed and at the end of my tether.
The year before last, I actually set myself a deadline to take a long break. But then there were big projects that absolutely had to be done because of a major client and all that. I also had to earn money. But now I've finally announced that I'm taking time off for Easter. A few people still haven't understood. But then I have to protect myself and let it crash.

It wasn't at all easy for me to realize that I was broken. I've always given work a high priority. Things that have to be done just have to be done. Your head, mind, body, family, friends and relationships have to take a back seat. I didn't even realize that I was missing out on a lot and becoming increasingly lonely. Luckily, I still have a wonderful family now.
It's also the thing that you're called independent, but you're not really. It's always the customers who are king. It's the business partners who won't take no for an answer. It's lazy compromises to do things even though you know it's no good. The business has to run. In the end, my body told me that I needed a break. Nothing worked anymore. Besides having trouble sleeping for years, I was just tired. Still am. Even with the greatest mental effort, I couldn't manage to tackle tasks. Just as it had worked a thousand times to just get on with it, there was now often a thick, insurmountable blockage.

For a few months now, I have been scaling back my work considerably. I'm currently working on the last few projects. I'm no longer taking on new ones (which was a lot of work).

Like the past. Living in the now for now.

I hope to be able to share a few impressions here. Who knows what the future brings?